The last two days have done a fucking number on me. We all construct structures on which we lean in life. By structures I mean our career, relationships, home life, spiritual beliefs, etc. When one of those changes it can make for a tough time. When multiple structures dissolve or change it can pack a serious punch. And that can lead to emotional upheaval. That’s where I’ve found myself. And it hasn’t been all that fun.
I’ve started to get accustomed to the ups and downs that come when you choose to leave a long term relationship. I haven’t ever looked back and wished that I made different choices. With every day that has passed since I left my wife, I have always remained confident that I made the right choice. Rather that missing the person I left, I’ve been working through the grief of losing the things that are important to me – like sharing life with someone.
Most days I’m happy as a single guy who’s slowly re-learning who he is and what’s most important. But there’s a deep sadness and longing every now and then that hurts really bad. The kind of hurt that makes me want to toss every support structure I’ve built in life and take off to start over somewhere where no one knows who I am. The kind of hurt that makes me want to stay in bed. The kind of hurt that makes me start to cry. The kind of hurt that’s stronger than any other kind of pain I’ve felt in my life.
The main reasons for my grief seem to stem from two main causes: a soulmate that’s yet to be found and a probable career change in the near future.
The soulmate thing is probably easily understood. While I love many of the aspects of single life, there’s something undeniably perfect about having a soulmate by your side. She’ll come in time – most likely. However, I admit that I may intentionally or inadvertently sabotage a relationship with her when I find her – either due to commitment phobia or my love of the single life. Or maybe I’ll be much of a hot mess to prove worthy of a relationship with her.
The career crisis is something that’s been brewing for well over a year now. I’ve been fortunate to have founded and led an incredibly successful software startup. The company grown from a 1-man show of me working from my small apartment to a respectable small company with 30 employees. The growth of the company has been exhilarating and challenging. As the president and CEO I’ve had to tackle a lot of things I never thought I would. I’ve had to get out of my introverted shell and do a lot of things that have pushed my limits. I’ve grown as a person because of that. And I’m thankful for that. But being the one in charge has taken its toll on me over time. I’ve found myself feeling lost in my own company – unsure of what my role should be, or even what value I bring at times. It’s been time for me to leave for some time now. And knowing that a change in my career is around the corner while the other structures in my life have either dissolved or are in the process of changing makes things more than a little tough sometimes.
What kicked this off? Hard to say exactly. I guess a confluence of events that caused me to reflect on regrets from 20 years ago, thoughts of what my life would look like at the age of 90, and a few other things that don’t quite fall into the category of “positive thinking”.
I guess there are “good” and “not so good” ways to deal with grief and loss. I feel like I’m choosing the latter, but then I did always like self-destructive behaviors. I know I “should” opt for “better” ways to deal with things, but I’m not always for doing the things others consider “good”.